Small Story, Big Point

My daughter and I were just in San Francisco. I love San Francisco. We were headed to the airport, which always makes me a little sad, and we stopped for lunch at one of our favorite pizza restaurants, Delfina's. It's fabulous. It's also teeny tiny. As we were being seated, my daughter headed toward the bench seat, which left me with the chair facing the wall. Here is the important part - I felt a little twinge inside, and then I told myself, "Oh well, I should let her have the good seat, " and I sat down. I had a couple of micro conversations with myself about how it was nice to let her have the better spot and how I was just fine where I was, etc...Then I settled in to enjoy our lunch. 

About half way through our meal, my daughter made me proud, she spoke up! Where I hadn't. She said, "Mommy, do you think we could switch seats?" Somewhat astounded, I said, "What? You want to sit here?"( Internal dialogue - "Here? In the bad seat?")  "Yes" she said, " I'm not comfortable here, the table is too far away and the bench is too low." I happily switched seats. 

A couple of big points: It's better to speak up. Does that mean you have to discuss every little thing, all the time? No. It means you've got to trust the little twinges. When you feel that internal twinge, it's time to speak up. That little feeling is a signal that something is going on that you aren't happy about, so pay attention, speak up and take action. Don't just ignore it, or talk yourself out of it. Also, there is no universal "good' or "bad" seat. There are just preferences, likes and dislikes. And, last, but certainly not least, we are different. All of us. We like and want different things. We live in the world very differently, and how we experience the world is not the same. So, honor what you prefer, respect the preferences of others and speak up. 

Personal Manifesto Primer

Here are a few elemental tenets to start thinking about and begin to operate from when engaging with the world. This approach is valuable because when we come from a place of individual authenticity, a strong sense of self empowerment and confident, honest expression, we are far more likely to have successful and enjoyable social encounters, which translates into fewer conflicts and more fun.

So: Be honest with yourself and those with whom you deal. Set personal boundaries and make it a priority to respect them - This in turn will garner you more respectful treatment from others. Try new and different things out to discover what you like and what you don't like. Figure out who you are, and once you've got a pretty good idea, "to thy self be true." You can't figure out who you are by sitting in a chair and thinking about it. You've got to interact, experience and assess. Be dedicated to attaining those things that are right for you. Trust yourself. Trust your responses to things. Your responses to the events of the world are what make you the person you are. Remember that just because something was a fit before, doesn't necessarily mean it's a fit today. Let it be o.k. to like or dislike someone or someplace, even if you felt differently in the past. We change, and circumstances change, accept what is true for you in each particular moment. Take the time to pay attention to what feels right for you and be vigilant in your dedication to honoring it, Practice noticing your responses to things big and small. Try not to be guided by what you think you should want and how you think you should feel in a particular situation and instead acknowledge what's real.

It's Not a Test

It's not a test! When you are in relationship with people, it is your responsibility to speak up about what you want and don't want, like and don't like. People can't read your mind, and they shouldn't have to, or be expected to. It is our job to let people know what our preferences are, even when we have been in a relationship with them for a really long time and have told them something before.  First of all, some people just aren't very good at noticing that sort of thing about others. Second, even if they may have noticed, they may not be very good at remembering. We carry a whole lot of information around with us at all times, and we live in a stressful world - that information, even when it exists somewhere in the recesses of our minds, may not be readily available. Third, the only constant is change, and our preferences change right along with everything else. 

There is an old movie with Barbara Streisand and Jeff Bridges, and towards the end of the movie, he orders her a salad, just the way she likes it - "dressing on the side, hold the this and that..." and she swoons. For her, this is the moment that proves his love. Well, it's nice, but it certainly isn't the test of whether someone cares enough to notice and therefore cares about you. 

The other day, my husband said, "Everyone should have a convenient companion." He was looking at me at the time, and for a moment, I was mildly offended. I thought he was talking about me. I experienced a tiny ping in my stomach and noticed I wasn't sure I liked the idea of being someone's convenient companion. So, I queried him, "hmmmm, convenient companion?" Turns out, he wasn't talking about me, but a conversation we'd had earlier about preferences. He'd been talking about how great it would be to have a list of what your partner likes and doesn't like, and he is right. (As long as you update the list now and again.) This is the approach to take. You are a team. You are in this together. Offer support. If it's important to you, remind them. Write it down. And, don't take offense if they don't remember - that's a reflection on them, not a reflection on their feelings about you. The goal is being supported in receiving what you want, not passing some sort of test.

It's O.K. to Get Angry

It's o,k. to get angry. A matter of fact, it's o.k. to get really mad. The key, is what we choose to do with our anger, how we express it and how we've learned to react to it. Our expression of anger can be productive or destructive; it can be respectful or disrespectful. If sometimes we over react and blow a fuse or bust a gasket, and express our anger in a way that we don't feel good about and that doesn't feel appropriate to us in retrospect, we can say we are truly sorry. And, that can be a mutually beneficial learning experience. (Caveat - If yelling or screaming becomes a routine pattern, your apologies are meaningless, and violence is never acceptable, no matter how mad someone  may "make" you.)

The honest expression of anger feels good. It's energy, it's release, it's expression, it's speaking up. It's communicating a strong and important message. It's when anger gets pent up, unexpressed and righteous that it no longer feels good to express. Or, when we feel we have to wait until we are undeniably justified in our anger to allow ourselves to express, it is not a satisfying experience.

The other day, a neighbor of mine lost his cool. We live in dog country, and he was fed up with the local hounds pooping on his lawn. He had been frustated for some time. He had long and clearly communicated his stance, in person and with posted signage, and he'd had enough. He wasn't being heard, and he wasn't being respected, and he was ticked, "Get your@#$% dog off my lawn," he shouted at an unsuspecting dog walker. Afterwards, he felt ashamed. 

Lots of people are not comfortable with their own anger or anyone else's. We don't know how to express it or respond. We feel fear and shame on both sides of the issue, whether we are the angered or the recipient of someone else's emotion. But authentically expressed anger informs us and others where our boundaries are and when they have been crossed. This is super important information and it is valuable for us all to appreciate what happens when personal boundaries are not respected.

"We Get Along Better When..." List

We get along better when: We are personally content. We accept others as individuals. We listen well. We use our manners. We use our words. We are respectful to ourselves and others. We care about the health and longevity of our relationships. We collaborate rather than compete. We are courteous. We are generous. We are forgiving not forgetting. We are supportive and encouraging of ourselves and others. We are honest. We act assertively and not aggressively. We are motivated by seeking an equality of satisfaction regarding individual interests and mutual benefit rather than seeking fairness as measured by getting an equal amount of the same thing. We are kind rather than nice.

The List

Hooray! I'm going to be blogging about lists for the next few days, and I'm so excited to start with this one, "The List." I love this list. I love this list because it works like magic - and I like magic. Here is how the magic works. About a month ago, when I was in town, I struck up a conversation with a gal, about relationships. She was eager to meet someone and had been having a very frustrating time. She was on the verge of giving up and had resigned herself to simply finding someone she could go to the movies with and maybe hang out together, now and again. She'd given up on her chances of actually finding someone she could have a deep and committed relationship with and decided she'd just settle for a lot less. She wondered if I knew anyone. 

I told her I'd think about it, and then I made her promise she'd make The List. Well, I ran into this gal the other day and told her I'd thought of someone who she might like. And, here is the magic part... She beamed at me and said she'd found someone that was everything she'd been looking for and everything on her list. The key to the list is beginning with and focusing on the "Whys." Why do you want to be in a relationship? What do you want from it? How do you want to feel? What kinds of things would you like to do together. Think specifics and think qualities! If you put, "tall, dark and handsome" on the list, or "hot" that's just fine as long as you know why. Why do you want tall, dark, handsome or hot? Why does that matter to you? What will those qualities provide? Think about what you value and why. Dig Deep. Think about how this potential relationship might benefit you and your situation. Think about what you like, what makes you happy and what you need to feel like the best possible you.  What supports you and brings you joy? Then, write it all down. I want someone who... I want someone who makes me feel... Think about how much time you'd like to spend together, and how you 'd like to feel when you are apart. Think about consistencies and aspects that would be in conflict and choose based on your personal priorities. If you want driven, ambitious and a hard worker - you may end up spending quite a bit of time alone.

Before I met my husband, I'd done quite a bit of personal work. I was pretty clear about what I wanted in and from a relationship, and what I didn't want. I had firmly decided I'd much rather be alone than go through the same old hassles, frustrations and disappointments. I'd also made a List. I had 50 things on my list, and my husband turned out to meet every item. The tricky part and the magical part is, I never would have guessed it when I first met him. The surface characteristics that I'd associated with who I anticipated my right person to be were completely off track. My ideas about what he 'd do, where he'd live and how he'd dress were a miss. The List was a hit on every level. 

A Battle or a War?

When conflict arises, it's a good idea to assess whether you are merely engaged in a battle or if you are at war. A battle is a conflict that can be resolved constructively leading to an enhanced relationship. When you are at war, there are constant battles. War is not productive and only serves to hamper your relationship and create more battles. When I interviewed author and psychologist, Dr. Madeline Levine, she told me a story about a group of women from Silicon Valley who had enlisted her help in dealing with their tech absorbed husbands - They were at war. The particular battle she recounted was regarding the husbands' refusal to put down their cell phones at designated times and to say "good morning" prior to picking up the phones to check any news, tweets or email they may have missed while sleeping.

I, too, am married to a Silicon Valley, CEO; and, when she told me this story, I, too,  realized I was at war with my husband's electronic devices and hence, my husband. Just the sight of his hand on the phone or fingers on the computer keyboard raised my ire and sent me into battle mode. So, I started to pay closer attention. I started to notice when I got so mad I wanted to spit and ask myself what was under all that rage. And, I started to think about what I really wanted in those moments, and why that dang little phone was making me so mad. Then, I disarmed. I ceased my attacks, both offensive and defensive, and the battles subsided and the war ceased. I set my focus on what I wanted and went about getting it in a constructive manner. I thought about this the other morning when I woke up and saw my husband on his phone. I noticed I didn't feel a bit of anger. And, he instantly put down his phone and said, "Good Morning."

An indicator as to whether you are at war or merely in the midst of a battle is to determine if you ARE mad or just GOT mad, If the anger is just waiting dormant under the surface and is ignited by the slightest spark, you are mad and at war. If this is the case, you need to get out a piece of paper and write, "I'm mad because..." and fill in the blanks. Then, you need to get out another piece of paper and write, "I want..." and fill in the blanks for what you want and how you want to feel. Then, disarm and go about getting what you want through collaboration and conversation.

Say It Don't Spray It

When I'm in conversation with people, I'm often attuned to the apparent disconnects between what they are saying is so and what appears to actually be true. The thing about the truth is, it's the dominant gene. It wins out over all else, no matter how much we try to mask it or avoid it. So, the best thing we can do for ourselves and those we ware in relationship with is to acknowledge it, accept it and speak it. Once we've done that, we can go about changing any aspects of the current truth we'd rather weren't our reality. But, we can't change it by merely talking up a different story and selling it as fact. I think the key to this skill is being able to accept ourselves and others for who we are rather than constantly making comparisons to a false model of who we think we ought to be. And, that goes double for who we think others should be, even when we are only looking out for their best interest.

A colleague of mine was telling me about his concern for his soon to be high school freshman son. His son was experiencing some major stress around the new and intimidating social challenges of adolescence. We were talking about some simple and effective tools for relaxing and dealing with uncomfortable social situations. During our conversation, I realized the biggest stressor was probably the disconnect between the idea of how he should act and feel in various social situations and what he may actually be experiencing. The key here, again, is acknowledging and accepting who we are in the moment and letting go of the false, universal "I should..." metric that we compare ourselves to. Not only are we "free to be you and me. " It's our best self.

An Emotional Man

A friend of mine recently told my daughter that she should marry an emotional man. I've been thinking quite a bit about this comment, and what it means to be an emotional person. In my mother's eyes, my maternal grandmother was overly emotional. As a child, my mother was constantly admonished not to do this or that because it might upset Mummy. Hence, she learned to discriminately control and repress her own emotions. 

The reality is we are all emotional people - it's a big part of what makes us human. It's what we learn and choose to do with the emotions that matters. We can fight them, stuff them, deny them, ignore them or let them flow. Emotions are eager to flow like a river. They are pure expression. They are good, helpful and necessary. They are messengers. They are communication. Once they successfully convey their message, they happily dissipate. When we thwart their expression, they mutate into something less productive. 

Dealing with emotions can be scary business whether the feelings are our own or those of others. Our emotions can be used as weapons or a source of shame. The skill is to allow emotions to emerge and flow in a way that is respectful of the personal boundaries of all involved. The tricky part is trusting ourselves and those we are in relationship with enough to open our flood gates.That said, I hope my daughter marries someone who is expressive and communicative, comfortable with their emotional experience and supportive of hers.

I'd like to dedicate this blog post to my father-in-law who recently passed away. He was a deeply feeling man. He was also a deeply private man, and he was private with his emotions. He felt life intensely but rarely felt entirely comfortable with a public display of those feelings. and that's o.k.! He loved deeply and was deeply loved.

Meeting People Where They Are

My family and I just spent the better part of a week with a huge group of friends - couples, families, and single folk. It was wonderful, and it provided a great many opportunities for relationship insights. The nicest insight was regarding our friend, Chris. My husband and I had been discussing what a nice guy Chris is, and my husband remarked, "He meets people where they are." This is absolutely true, and it's fabulous. He meets people where they are, wherever they are. And, because of this, he enjoys deep, eclectic and meaningful, longterm friendships. 

The key to Chris's talent is two-fold. First, he doesn't have a set agenda as to who someone should be or where they must be to be met. Second, he doesn't sacrifice or adapt himself to accommodate others. Chris meets you where you stand, and he arrives steadfast in his authentic self to greet you. This allows for an honest exchange and a true connection - and that's nice!

Don't Believe Everything You Think

Don't believe everything you think, and definitely don't believe everything everyone else thinks. Notice it. Question it. Pay attention, and then see how it correlates with reality. Do some research. If there is a discrepancy, reality wins. That doesn't mean you can't imagine something different/better for yourself, and work towards it. But, it does mean that you've got to notice, accept and deal with what's currently true. Acknowledge that what you think is so isn't always the case. Certainty doesn't equal fact. There is a subtle (or not so subtle) distinction here. Conscious, visceral pretending is powerful in the field of metaphysics; head-in-the-sand lying to your self is delusion. Thinking it's so may make it so in the future, but it doesn't make it so now. So...start to introduce  a little "hmmmmm, maybe" into your thought patterns, especially when it comes to your assessment of other people's motives and behavior.  

Sticking Your Stake in the Ground

Sometimes we stick our stake in the ground and hold on for dear life. Our dentist is a master collaborator, and all of his co-workers are exceptional. On our last visit, they had just moved into a brand new workspace. It was the first day in their new home, and life was a bit crazy. There were designers, workman and engineers roaming around the space. Lots of machinery wasn't yet operational and finding necessary tools was a bit like a game of hide and seek. All this change was exciting but challenging. And, it was game on. Stress levels were on the rise. As they began to work their magic in my mouth, a minor conflict erupted. The crux of the dispute was the placement of the wheeled table holding all the instruments and apparatus. This little table was being pushed and pulled, turned and adjusted, and turned again. They both needed it just so, so they could perform at peak levels. The problem was, they each had a different just so. He kept adjusting the table and asking her where she wanted it - attempting to collaborate. She kept moving it back, saying she'd had it where she wanted it - sticking her stake in the ground a little deeper with each move. As an expert, she knew what she needed; also an expert, he was struggling with this new set up, and the pressure was on. 

So, how do you collaborate when one person sticks their stake in the ground and doesn't want to budge. You do just what the master collaborators did. You breath. You stop and take a moment. You remind yourselves and each other that you are a team, and you are committed to both of you getting what you want and need. You appreciate that the other person likes it just the way it is, and you remind them that you want them to keep what they have as you get your own needs met. You communicate. You clarify. You make small adjustments and try out new arrangements until it works "just so" for you both. 

Emotional Intelligence Rules

When it comes to personal and professional success, emotional intelligence is our biggest asset. Daniel Goleman's research provides overwhelming evidence that emotional intelligence can be learned and is the biggest indicator of success in both the public and private arenas. Dr. Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic, international authority in psychometric testing and personality profiling, confirms that studies consistently demonstrate the relevance of emotional intelligence for personal and professional success. The overarching benefits of raised emotional intelligence include: reduction in stress, advantage in all work positions, improved health, advanced career achievements, superior entrepreneurial success, elevated leadership ability and comprehensive relationship fulfillment. All of this is evidenced by thousands of studies spanning the last last 20 years. And the best news of all is that emotional intelligence is not set in stone as one's intelligence quotient is. Emotional intelligence can be learned and raised through coaching and adoption of effective techniques. So get out there and elevate your EI.

Trolling For a Fight

I recently spent a few days with a group of friends in relatively small quarters. The first few days went swimmingly well. By day four, one of the group started trolling for a fight. I noticed she began to poke and prod. She was throwing out snares by asking what appeared to be innocuous questions, unconsciously attempting to get the recipients engaged in a disagreement. The group dynamic can be tough to navigate. People often sacrifice their individual interests and needs to get along. Often we go along with things we'd rather not, and we don't speak up - all in the name of congeniality. The problem is these minor disappointments, frustrations and infractions build up until we snap, and all that pent up emotion comes tumbling out. So... be honest with yourself and others. Check in; pay attention to what you do and don't really care about, and speak up about it at the time. Honor everybody's boundaries, including your own.

Hand Signals

As I was jogging down the bike path, a biker passed me going the other way. I noticed as he slowed to pass me, he made the universal hand signal of slowing down - arm crocked and hand down. He did this to alert those around him of is intention to adjust his trajectory. He put people in his direct environment on notice. Those who would potentially be affected by his change in behavior could now adjust their expectations accordingly. This is great! This is high frequency, low magnitude communication at it's best. Keep this visual in mind - simple, universal signals to communicate your intentions, so those who may be affected can adjust their expectations and actions accordingly, and avoid a messy "crash." 

Know Thy Self

It's a valuable thing to know yourself. Yesterday, as I was talking with a friend about my reaction to my husband wanting to put a hot tub in our side yard, she reminded me that I was just like my son. Our first response to a suggestion for change is often "no." We tend to put the breaks on, and then explore the opportunities. I'm a worrier, and I often respond from a place of fear when confronted with an idea to try doing something different. I'v got a vivd imagination, and I'm a trained attorney - I can quickly conjure up all the reasons why an idea may lead to unforeseen, negative consequences. This isn't necessarily a negative quality, but it's important I recognize it in myself. It's great when the people close to me understand it as well, but it's not essential. My sister knows I don't like eggs and fish together, and that makes me feel known and loved. But it's ok if my intimates don't know all about me, because I can tell them! I can remind myself in a situation that I tend to be a negative first responder, and then I can step back, give myself a minute, acknowledge that this is a little scary for me and proceed with a bit of caution, until I feel safe throwing caution to the wind. 

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